Maybe I'm not over it.
Maybe I still care!
Maybe I'm more than hurt, did you ever think about that?
Stupid thing is that no one else understands me or what was, not WAS but IS so special. It bothers me because I can't talk to anyone about it because there are so many careless people who just need people when they don't have anyone. I use to talk to you all the time about things that bother me, but this time I can't because it is about you, well not entirely you! :| I think about it every day, I get angry, then enraged, then I get upset and I end up feeling a sense of melancholy and to top it off I feel like this every day and knowing that I made the most stupidest choice just so that I don't have to be in your way pisses me off way more which creates a disgusting feeling that I can't talk to anyone about BUT YOU! FCKING LAME isn’t it? You don't even want to talk to me though you tell everyone that I ignore you and I put up with it because you're the uncool BUT smart one so there's so many people on your side, but I really don't care who's on your side or who's not. I am so fucking angry at myself for the fact that I actually FUCKING MISS YOU AND I STILL NEED YOU, I am even dumber than I think. Fuck knows.
I don't know if you care or if you even have the time to read what I am going to say, but sometimes it feels slightly easier to breathe when one speaks their mind to someone who they haven't seen or who they won't see for quite some time, someone who won't bring it up again but will just read what one's thoughts are.
I learnt how to trust someone that doesn't live with me, who isn't my family, a complete stranger. But with this newfound trust I was complete, I found another family that also loved me but showed it, another family that I still care about till now forever and always.
I do admit that it was my fault; I was the one who started to doubt things about myself, and without realizing that I unconsciously lived a lie. When it is too late, that is when I actually realized that what I had is gone, not just temporarily but permanently and to know that what I had was what made me smile every day, I can vividly see and clearly hear my heart shatter beautifully into unmendable pieces.
And to think that nothing could hurt me or tear me apart, I was so wrong. I took it all for granted and not only that but in Jim Morrison's words "Most people love you for who you pretend to be. To keep their love, you keep pretending- performing. You get to love your pretence. It's true; we're locked in an image, an act-”. That was me, that is me. Enough is just never enough; I don't know when enough is or where it stops. I don't know how to accept enough. So I am sorry, truly sorry for what I have repeatedly mistakenly done.
So who am I really? I just wanted to be happy like everyone else, there is nothing wrong with being happy is there? Do you know who I am? Am I who you think I am? or Are you expecting more than I can offer? Am I really the person that I am destined to be? Or have I taken things into my hands without consulting with the one who loved me enough to give me this beautiful gift called life?
Now what hurts one more is to feel that pain that one had felt before, the agonizing and unbearable pain of loneliness, with this pain aching one acknowledges that friendship is the only cement that will ever hold the world together and true friendship is a plant of slow growth and must undergo and withstand the shocks of adversity before it is entitled to the appellation.
But there's more to life. Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate; our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.
But knowing that one will die alone, is a concern not fear; because fear itself fears itself. Not alone with no husband or partner but alone with not one close friendship that one can reminisce upon. The concern of dying alone without one's best friend close by holding one's hand is an unending life full of worry and insecurity.
But I guess I didn't hold on as tight as I could.
So to be or not to be?
Only one will know the answer.
